Miscarriage

This has been the hardest few months of my life, for several reasons. But most recently is the loss of my 4th child. It happened on Sept 21. It has left me with so much confusion and so many unanswered questions. Why? Why? I've been angry, sad. It has been very hard to deal with and there are still days that I don't know what to do.

I have so many blessings in my life that you just don't know. I am so thankful for everything God has blessed me with. But now this....I don't know why I got pregnant in the first place (I was on the birth control pill), I don't know why I didn't feel right from the beginning, I don't know why I had to lose this baby......I'm so sad. I was supposed to be 11 weeks pregnant and I went for my checkup. It had been a month since my previous checkup and I did not feel right. I have been stressed, worried, you name it. I never publicly announced my pregnancy because deep down I had "that" feeling.

Nathan has been my rock through all of this. It is simply amazing the kind of man that God has molded him into. He was with me the day of my appointment. I silently prayed for everything to be okay, but I "knew" it wasn't going to be. The dr. did not hear a heartbeat with her machine, so she sent me in for a sonogram. Once the sonogram popped up on the screen........I hate to even remember.......I immediately knew that life was no longer in me. There was nothing. No movement. No heartbeat. Just an empty, gray sonogram. I lost the baby at home the next morning. I eventually went in for a dnc that afternoon.

I've cried so much since that day. There are only a few of you who even knew I was pregnant, but I've learned that so many more people knew too. My parents were so excited and they spread the word. But now it's like, "go back and spread this bad news". I can't stand it. There are so many people that knew about my pregnancy just from hearing it from someone else. But now it's over.

I'm so sorry for any woman who has ever experienced this. It is just heart-beaking and dark. It is hard to get over. Especially hard for me because i have had three healthy, beautiful babies. I never thought that this would happen to me.

I'm so glad Nathan has been there for me. And my parents. And my church family. I've received cards, phone calls, texts, emails of encouragement. It really helps. It is just so hard to go through.

Natalee gave me a Bible a few months ago and it is the ESV translation, and I have read a passage over and over again and it brings me comfort:
Romans 5: Peace with God through Faith
It reads:
Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

I know that i will eventually feel better one day. For now, I am thanking God for my many blessings.